Embrace Conflict, Are You Crazy?

Conflict is Bad

When hearing the word 'conflict' many people conger negative implications such as fighting, violence, and war.  Why on earth would anyone wish to embrace that?? 

Another Way

It is true that conflict CAN result in great harm, although it does not have to.  Well-managed conflict can lead to deepened connections and strengthened bonds.  When we recognize that conflict is a fact of life (even for a hermit!) we can begin to seek ways to work with it rather than attempting to avoid it.  Indeed, avoiding conflict not only will not lead to resolution, but it does not make conflict go away either.  It is like sweeping dust under the carpet -- you can do it and the dust will be out of sight, however, eventually the bulge under the carpet will grow to the point where you can no longer ignore it (and generally leads to an ugly, unwieldy blow up).  When the 'bulge' is big, of course it is challenging and can be hurtful, when handled right away, it is manageable and not overwhelming. 

Conflict Benefits?

Learning constructive conflict techniques can benefit us in many areas of our life:

• Improving our relationships
• No longer feeling like a victim in life
• Communication Competence is a key skill in any career
• Work more effectively with co-workers & supervisors
• Supervise more effectively
• Save money by avoiding costly breakdowns in communication
• Physical health (we hold unresolved conflict in our bodies resulting in 'dis-ease')
• Understand life and motivations of others better
• Be better parents/children/siblings/employees/employers/etc.

I encourage you to re-examine your beliefs about conflict and come to see it, as I do, as a powerful life force that is here to help!

Coaching vs. Mediation?

Coaching is a great alternative to mediation.  

There may be times when you are 'butting heads' with someone in your life and it is not the kind of relationship where you would engage in a formal dispute resolution process but it is critical that you learn how to communicate with this person.  These 'difficult people' in our lives could be parents, spouses, children, employees, co-workers or supervisors.  They may not recognize there is a problem and therefore would be unresponsive to your invitation to mediate a situation, or they may not be interested either. Oftentimes when we are in a position of lower power, the other person has no incentive to engage in mediation. These are just some of the many reasons we may wish to seek out a coach rather than a mediator.  

Individual and Specific Attention

A coach can work with us individually to better understand why the 'Other' continues to behave as he/she does and what we might be able to do to effect a different outcome.  A coach can help us strategize better ways to respond ourselves, so as to avoid the downward spiral that seems to prevade our communications with this particularly difficult person in our lives.  

Learn to Fish

Coaching offers an opportunity to learn techniques and tools that can help us in ANY conflict in our lives, not just the persnickety one we happen to be facing when we seek out a coach.  As the Chinese proverb says, "Give someone a fish and they eat for a day. Teach someone to fish and they eat for a lifetime."

Win-Win is the Bottom Line

The beauty, too, is that a coach will never make the other person wrong, knowing that we are all human and it is just a matter of learning how to work with each individual's unique characteristics.  Sometimes we have blind spots and just need help from someone who understands these sorts of dynamics.  

This is when a coach is helpful to have around!

Unresolved Conflict Can Kill

How does unresolved conflict show up in one's life?

It is amazing how many ways unresolved conflict can show up in our lives.  Obvious are physical ailments.  Why is this?  Because we are actually holding our feelings in different parts of our bodies.  When we don't work through our feelings, we hold them in our stomachs, our shoulders & neck, our knees...you name it, once you start paying attention, you will begin to notice the tightness in different parts of your body.  Hold onto this long enough and you bet it will start to manifest as an ailment.  Expressing our truths & feelings maturely gives us the opportunity to relax, finally, and our body notices!  

Also you will notice that different parts of your life may feel 'stuck' or unproductive.  This, too, can be caused by internal conflicts we are experiencing that block us from achieving our highest goals.